“I Certainly DON’T”- Wedding Wardrobe 101

Ah, Spring is in the air! The birds are signing, the flowers are in full bloom and Bridezillas are shrieking from the rooftops every last agonizing detail of their upcoming nuptials. While Bridesmaids everywhere are begrudgingly offering up their measurements (and dignity), to sweat it out on the lawn in 100 degree weather for “the perfect outdoor wedding”, wearing the “perfect” lilac, ruched, form-fitting, satin dress (lilac satin + intense heat= the “perfect” shade of violet-coloured boob-sweat), while the Bride herself breezes down the aisle in a breathable Vera Wang gown. Let me raise a glass to say “I certainly don’t!”.

Ladies, have mercy, wedding season is in full swing. For the occasions we actually do have a choice in out outfit, lets prove to all our Facebook friends (you WILL be tagged) that left to our own devices, such crimes against fashion would never be committed! Read on for tops tips to turn it out with style and grace for all your  Weddings, Wedding Showers and Bridal Showers  for 2011.

1. Always Overdress. ALWAYS.

This is number 1 for a reason- it’s personal. Upon moving to the big city, I was invited to an acquaintances’ Bridal Shower. Being new and all, I thought “why not?!”, skimmed over the invitation and a couple of Sundays later showed up a fully catered, regally decorated Italian banquet hall. Full panic set in as after one look around the parking lot (satin gowns, lace overlay, white gloves!!!), but alas, it was to late- my chariot (taxi) was already long gone.  Realizing that I would have to sit through a  5 course meal with these queens and rehash my obvious fashion faux pas over and over in my mind was only exacerbated by the pre-dinner game: the making of the toilet paper wedding dress. Even the ass-wipe was mocking me- “You should have worn a dress!”. Although I was not terribly underdressed in dark navy trousers, pink lace top, flats and ballerina bun, one couldn’t help feeling like ultimate dowdy shlump Andrea, in a room full of Brenda and Kellys. Lesson learned? More is more. Consider the understanded option, and you can consider yourself offically divorced off the Fashion Registry.

2. Go All Out, But Modesty is Key

You’re invited for a reason. (Guilt, to up the balance on the brides side of the church…) oh ya- because your fashionable presence is valued and honoured! Living up to that expectation is appreciated by the bride and groom alike, so by all means go all out. However, keep in mind- as hot and obviously sexy are you, if it can double as Sexin’ Dress for a night out with the girls, it definitely ain’t appropro for a wedding. When in doubt, always think “What would Jennifer Aniston do?”. As boring as the bitch is, girlfriend must be getting something right, because she’s definitely living the mantra “always the bridesmaid, never the bride”. Knee-length Calvin dress, strappy heels and polished hair, repeat.

 

Sarah Owen at Lily Allen's recent wedding. And the wedding party gasps "Oh no she di'int!!"

 

 

 

3.  Never Wear White

This goes without saying, but upstaging the bride is a definite no-no and major faux pas. Even if it’s off-white. Even if it’s knee-length. Even if it makes you look 5 pounds thinner. Even if it’s accessorized. Just don’t.

4. When All Else Fails….

Take full advantage of the open bar. Photoshop, dahling, photoshop.

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