Another year, another snooze-worthy Oscars broadcast. Luckily our gal Kathy Ireland (who?!) clad in an inky emerald- black gown accented with tres tacky silver jewelery, was there to terrorize bewildered stars at every turn. Watching Kathy’s giddy enthusiasm (i.e bitch was drunk) while interviewing celebs as they made their way down the red carpet was a complete blast. Call it the luck of the Irish!
Despite a few style winners (Rachel McAdams, Merryl Streep, Kate Bodsworth, Sandra Bullock) the majority of dresses that decended down the red carpet were major bombs. The theme seemed to fall into two distinct catagories: major volume and super-structured. While I could prattle off a list ladies who nailed it, why not pay tribute to the ladies who really left a smudge on shiny Oscar night.
Sarah Jessica Parker: Where to start?! Head to toe, this look was a major flop. Not only does it look homemade- the front seam, ratty rosette detailing, fabric strip neckpiece, misplaced pleats, but the fit is all wrong. It’s almost as if SJP knows how bad she looks and attempted to go incognito with heavily kohled eyes and a mean squint to match.
Charlize Theron: I know where Charlize was going with this look and she almost nailed it. Adding another rosette to the bodice of this gown would have elevated this frock from ho-hum to ooo-ahh. If you’re going to focus in on the headlights, a general rule would be to avoid detailing that is reminisent of another female hotspot.
Zoe Salada: “Zoe??!!!” Oh…there you are. I couldn’t see you under this massive pile of crap. Reduce, re-use, recycle appeared to be the mantra when creating this god-awful gown. By reducing the only promising feature on the dress- the gorgeous gold shimmering bust- we quickly decend to a re-used bodice that actually looks like cardboard cut-outs wrapped in satin. Purple and black entrails (Ursula, is that you?!) are the final blow to horrible hybrid of a gown.
Kristen Stewart: Well, on the bright side: the kid is smiling. What for, I have no idea, as this matronly gown not only ages Kristen by 20 years, but does absolutely nothing for her figure. ZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzz (sorry I fell asleep for a minute there). The lack of jewelery and scraped back ponytail are so dreadfully dull, Kristen really should have done us all a favour and skipped the red carpet posing entirely.
Hilary Swank: Wow. Well the boys certainly won’t be crying for more in this little number.